


The Oddfather

by bluecinderella4



Category: The Odd Couple (TV 2015)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-07-03
Packaged: 2018-04-03 08:05:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4093363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluecinderella4/pseuds/bluecinderella4
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Felix and Emily are expecting a baby and Felix manages to rope Oscar into helping. But when the big moment comes, it's Oscar who has to be the one to take charge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I

It had now been a complete year since Felix had moved out of Oscar's apartment and the effect definitely showed. Oscar Madison, dressed in a dirty gray t-shirt and boxers, lay snoring on his couch with a crumpled up, greasy paper plate on his lap. He also had a hangover. And judging by the complete mess in his apartment one would assume a wild party had been thrown here, but nope. It was Oscar too lazy to clean and too cheap to get a maid.

His silence was soon disturbed by a familiar, somewhat compulsive knock. "Felix is here," Oscar said to himself before he sat up, letting the greasy paper plate and chicken on said paper plate fall onto the floor. "Whoops," Oscar set the plate on the couch and picked up the piece of chicken from the floor. "Five second rule," he told himself before shoving the food into his mouth, wiping his hands on his shirt, and answering the door.

"Oscar!" sure enough, Felix Unger was standing on the other side of the door.

"Felix," Oscar acknowledged his friend and former roommate and gestured to the suitcases near Felix. "What up with the luggage?"

"Emily and I have decided to take you up on your offer."

"My what now?"

"Do you recall when I received that assignment to take photos of those Playboy models at the infamous mansion and you practically begged me to bring you along?"

"Yeah, and?"

"And while you were becoming more familiar with Miss October you said that you owed me one."

"Are you here to claim your debt?" Felix's nod was acknowledged with a groan from Oscar. "Felix, I only said that to be nice; I never mean anything I say when I want to familiarize myself with hot women."

"Yes, I remember. I said, 'Oscar, I know you're just saying that'. And then you said, 'No, really, I owe you big time for this, bro. Is it cool if I borrow one of your cameras?' Naturally, I declined the use of my cameras for your... _intimate_ session."

"You're not gonna leave me alone unless I do this thing for you?"

"I will not."

Oscar sighed. "Alright, Felix, what do I have to do and why does it involve suitcases?"

"I request the use of your apartment."

"Excuse you?"

"Only for the next few days..." Felix peeked inside, "which is how long it might take me to clean up this mess."

"Why?"

"Oscar, have you seen your apartment?"

"No, I mean why do you need to stay here for the next few days?"

"I'm having my apartment redecorated and I wanted it to be a surprise for Emily. I'm certain that I can make some excuse as to why our apartment's being redone; but I require a place for us to stay while said apartment is being worked on." Felix couldn't help but stare at the mess that lay in front of him. "And I see that I have some work to do in this apartment as well."

"But I just got things back the way I like it." Felix glowered at him. "Oh, alright, fine, you can stay; but only for a few days."

"Thank you. You truly are a good friend." Felix picked up the suitcases and handed them to Oscar. "If you could just set these upright in my old bedroom in front of the dresser, thanks," and then he left.

Oscar made some sort of muffled sound, carried the suitcases to Felix's old room, and flung them in there without saying a word.

…

Later in the day, Oscar was (sloppily) eating a chili dog as his agent Teddy was going over the upcoming schedule. "That should give us something to do for Wednesday's show," Teddy concluded.

Oscar wiped some chili remnants from his face and set the plate with the entree on the couch. "Yeah, but it's a slow week for sports. What am I supposed to do for the shows after Wednesday?"

"That's one of the reasons I'm here," Teddy sat down in one of Oscar's chairs. "I have gotten you access to a _big_ story."

"How big?"

"One word: scandal."

For some reason, Oscar was confused. "You got me an interview with Kerry Washington's football player husband?"

"Nothing in relation to the show _Scandal_ ; an _actual_ scandal. Apparently, some kid has proof that a recent track and field competition at his college was fixed."

"Really? No one's broke this story yet?"

"The kid doesn't want to take the story to the cops because he's afraid they'll release his name to the school and he's already on academic probation. He told me he's pretty sure the guys responsible covered their tracks—which I realize is also a sort of pun and accidentally laughed at. Anyway, the kid's a fan of your show and asked if he could give you an interview this Thursday on the condition you leave out his name."

"Are you kidding? Something like this could really boost my career!"

"Which is why I said you'll take the job. The kid told me his name was Derek O'Connor and he's coming by Thursday afternoon to-"

Teddy was cut off by a familiar knock at the door. "Felix," both he and Oscar unisoned. Oscar got off the couch and went to answer the door.

Waiting on the other side of the door was indeed Felix, accompanied by a heavily pregnant Emily. "Hello Oscar," Felix gestured to Emily. "You remember Emily; my wife and the mother of my unborn child."

Emily let out a small chuckle as she waddled into the apartment. "I think he knows that by this point."

Oscar helped her sit down on the couch. "Yes, and yet it's still hard to believe Felix Unger reproduced." Felix glowered at Oscar for the second time that day. "So Em, it's been a while; how've you been?"

"Pregnant." She playfully remarked back as she tried to get comfortable in her seat. "Oscar, I really can't thank you enough for letting us stay with you while they clean out our apartment."

Teddy quirked a brow. "Clean out _your_ apartment? The cleanest apartment in the building?"

"More like the cleanest apartment in the _world_ ," Oscar commentated.

"Is there like some bug infestation or something else that can possibly effect the very apartment I'm standing in right now?"

"Allow me to answer that question," Felix interjected rather quickly with a prepared excuse. "My favorite cleaning supply company has a new product they created and because I am an avid customer and subscriber on all of their social media outlets, they chose me to try out their new cleaning product and it was an offer I just couldn't refuse."

"Felix agreed to it before he read over some of the chemicals they used in their solvent and he's afraid there may be some in there that can harm the baby," Emily continued.

"The product has not been officially tested outside of their laboratories after all."

"So we're staying here just be safe."

"Better safe than sorry."

"New cleaning product, huh?" Oscar knew the story was a cover and decided to have a little fun at Felix's expense. "So Felix, what's the name of this product?"

Felix, however, was also prepared for this. "They do not officially have one yet. And if they did I'd be contractually obligated to keep that information confidential."

"Ooh speaking of names," Teddy changed the subject, "Diane wants to know if you and Emily have decided on a name for Baby Unger yet? I told her I'd ask next time I saw you guys."

Felix sighed, "Alas, we have not."

"We have considered naming the baby after my father if it's a boy," Emily began to explain, "but Felix isn't too keen on the name Robert."

Oscar shrugged. "What's wrong with the name Robert?"

"Felix's got this issue with any names that can be shortened."

Felix let out a sigh of what seemed to be exasperation. "If I'm going to come up with a name for my child, I want to come up with _one_ name. One that's traditional, somewhat unique, doesn't have a shortened form of said name, and fits well with the last name Unger. A name like Liam, or Isaac, or Casper."

"Is your wife giving birth to a friendly ghost?" Oscar quipped.

"I happen to like that name."

"Do you know for sure if it's a boy?" Teddy asked.

"Alas, we do not."

"Alas, you can find out," Oscar (mockingly) reminded.

"I do not believe that is the proper usage of the word ' _alas_ '."

"Don't correct me when I mock you or I'll kick your _al-ass_."

Emily brought back the focus. "I kind of hope we have a boy because we are having so much trouble even settling on a suggestion for a girl name. Because of Felix's nickname issue we've had to rule out names like Elizabeth, Jennifer, Katherine, or Margaret."

"Good call on avoiding the name _Margaret_."

"Margaret was one of Felix's earlier suggestions."

"This does not surprise me."

"And what's wrong with the name Margaret?" Felix argued back. "I happen to think it's a respectable name that more young women should use."

Emily disagreed. "He feels that way about other names like Ruth, or Pearl, or Maude."

"Oh, so you're having an old lady baby?" Oscar sarcastically asked Felix. This resulted in a third glower from Felix.

"Do you have any ideas for names, Oscar?"

"I dunno, but I'll try to come up with some non old-timey ones. You know, names that won't make your child resent you." Oscar noticed Emily's expression beginning to change. "Well, not so much you as Felix." With a fourth glower, they were coming close to breaking a record of disdainful looks. "So, can I have Teddy get you something?" That question resulted in an ' _oh no you didn't_ ' look from Teddy.

"No, I'm good for now. I think I'll just sit here and relax before I have to struggle to get my fat ass off the couch when I have to pee every half hour."

"Sounds...good, I guess."

"Oh no, did I just make everything awkward and uncomfortable again?" Emily was on the verge of a(nother) hormonal breakdown.

"NO!" Oscar realized how loud that sounded. "No, it's just I…" he gave a glance at Teddy that signified ' _help me out here_ '.

"Relax Emily," Teddy seemed to know what to say. "It's not you; Oscar gets nervous around pregnant women." He let out a small chuckle. "You should've seen him when Diane was pregnant with Erin. I don't think I've ever seen a man so fidgety."

Oscar was somewhat embarrassed by this, but he had to admit that Teddy was right. "Okay, yeah, it's just...I dunno, I have this fear that I'm gonna be alone with a pregnant lady and I'd have to deliver her baby and deal with all that pain and screaming and gross stuff; it just makes me uncomfortable."

Felix let out a hearty laugh. "Oscar, Oscar, Oscar, you have nothing to worry about. The baby isn't due for another ten days and we'll be out of your hair by then. Besides, I will be the one tending to Emily while you...do whatever or whoever it is you do."

An alarm on Teddy's watch started to go off. "Damn, I forgot I have to pick up Erin from her ballet recital," he gathered his stuff. "I'll be in tomorrow, but I don't know if I'll be in on Thursday."

Oscar remembered what was happening on Thursday. "What?" He went over to Teddy and led him aside hoping Felix wouldn't hear him. "Thursday's that interview you set up, why aren't you gonna be here?"

"That Derek kid's nervous; he doesn't want anyone there but you."

"But you know what's going on; he told you everything over the phone, not me."

"Yeah, but he didn't give me any details. He just said his name was Derek O'Connor-which may or may not be his real name-and he'd feel comfortable if it was just you there. Remember I told you the kid's on academic probation and he's afraid this interview could get him kicked out of college. Just remember to keep the kid's name and other details he asks private private. Now I gotta go," he brushed past Oscar. "Bye Felix. Bye Emily."

"Goodbye Teddy," Felix bade his friend goodbye before turning to Oscar and Emily. "Now if you'll excuse me," he pulled latex gloves out of his pocket and slid them on, "I have some work to do."

"And I have a chili dog to finish," Oscar noticed the plate on the couch was empty and that the person sitting on the couch had remnants of chili around her mouth, "but it looks like someone finished it for me."

Emily belched. "Excuse me." As she was about to wipe her mouth with her hand, her husband quickly hurried over to her with one of his portable cleaning wipes and cleaned her face. "Thank you, Felix."

Oscar quirked his brow to Felix. "Let me guess: emergency wipes?"

Felix put the package of wipes back in his pocket. "You never know when such an occasion will arise."

"I do know that you better not use any of your portable cleaning supplies on me or I'll make sure something of yours will _a-break_."

"Your vague threat has been duly noted." Felix lowered himself to Emily's level. "Darling, you know if you were hungry I would have been more than happy to make you some cod liver oil and wheatgrass. Speaking of which, I brought over some leftovers. They're in my satchel; why don't I take them out and warm them up now?"

"Yum," Oscar could tell Emily was feigning excitement, but Felix thought she was being sincere. Felix gave her a quick kiss, took some sealed food out of his satchel (or "man-purse" as Oscar called it), and hurried off into the kitchen to prepare dinner.

"Cod liver oil and wheatgrass?" Oscar asked Emily. She nodded in response. "No wonder you ate my chili dog."

"I'm sorry I did," Emily apologized, "but I'm _so_ hungry!"

"You don't actually eat that cod wheatgrass stuff do you?"

"I do when Felix is around. The problem is he's _always_ around!" Emily sighed. "Don't get me wrong, I love him and I love that he's super excited for the baby but…I dunno, he thinks he knows what's best for me."

"He micromanaging everything again?" Another nod. "I know it's his annoying personality, but he does mean well. Ever since I've known Felix, he's always wanted kids."

"How come he never had any kids with Ashley?"

"They tried, but she never could get pregnant and they never did figure out whose fault it was. I think that's one of the reasons they divorced…that and his personality."

"Poor Felix."

"But if they did have kids then they'd probably still be together and the two of you would have never hooked up."

"Silver lining, huh?"

"Not really, we still have his personality." Emily playfully swatted him. "Well, at least I'm only stuck with him for a couple of days. I mean, it can't be as bad as when he was my roommate."

Felix quickly popped in from the kitchen. "Dinner time!" He hurried over and helped his wife off the couch and led her to the kitchen. "Oh and Oscar, you're welcome to help yourself to some of my special cod liver oil and wheatgrass."

"No thanks, I'd rather eat normal food."

"Yes, well your idea of normal food will surely kill you faster."

"I'm counting on it."

Felix pinched Oscar's cheek and chuckled. "Oh you and your inappropriately dark sense of humor." Before he went into the kitchen, Felix stopped and went back over to Oscar. "I hope you don't mind," he pulled a notepad out of his pocket.

"Are your pockets like Mary Poppins' magical bag or what? How deep are those things?"

Felix made some sort of indistinguishable noise. "Yes, well I have here a list of things Emily and I will need for our stay," he handed Oscar the notepad.

Oscar opened to the first page. "Huh, this doesn't seem so bad."

"Oh, and because you have a tendency not to look at the back of the page, I put every item on the odd pages," with that, Felix went into the kitchen.

Oscar flipped the first page to see more items listed on the next page. "Oh God," he kept flipping the pages until Felix's list ended conveniently on the last page of the notepad. "Why did I not see this coming?" Oscar sighed. "' _I'm only stuck with him for a couple of days, it won't be so bad_ '," he mocked what he had said earlier. "Just when ya think you're out, they pull ya back in." He got off the couch. "Might as well go to the store," he went over to Felix's man-purse, took out Felix's wallet, and left.


	2. Part II

When Oscar entered the living room Thursday morning, he came across Felix making adjustments to an assortment of cameras. "Please tell me you've got some photography gig and are leaving this apartment?"

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Felix questioned back. "If you must know-"

"I mustn't," Oscar joined him on the couch, "but you're going to tell me anyway."

"-I am organizing my equipment to determine which camera is best suited for the occasion."

"I'm probably going to hate myself for asking, but what's the occasion?"

"Well for starters, I'm saving this particular camera," Felix picked up one of the cameras, "to take photos of the completed nursery," he enthusiastically began to show the unenthusiastic Oscar pictures, "you'll notice that these are the 'before' pictures. It would make the most sense to also include the 'after' pictures on here as well."

"Uh-huh," Oscar couldn't even pretend to care.

Felix gestured to the rest of the cameras on the coffee table lined up in a row. "Now I'm uncertain which one of these cameras I should bring with me into the delivery room."

"Wait a minute: you're actually going to be in the room when… _it_ happens."

"Of course I am. It is the birth of my child after all."

"Yeah, but you're not going to…with the gross…" Oscar couldn't even verbalize what he was trying to say.

Felix understood what Oscar meant and was now trying not to go pale. "I realize that natural childbirth is an unattractive process, to say the least, but I've been told that watching your child travel down the birth canal is an unforgettable experience."

"And you're not worried about all that blood and the tearing open of body parts and-"

A nauseous Felix held up his hand for Oscar to stop. "Oscar, please!"

"Sorry."

Felix took a deep breath to calm himself. "I'll admit, I am a tad… _apprehensive_ about going into the delivery room, but it's something I have to do."

"And Emily's okay with you going in with a camera?"

"Are you kidding? I'm barely fine with taking photos, but she was the one who suggested I film it."

"Ew, why?"

"Emily's mother wanted to be in the delivery room with her, but Emily declined. Filming the birth of the first grandchild is a sort of compensation. Evidently, I'm to be the only person in attendance."

"Well, besides the doctor."

"Regardless, if I'm not in there when my child is born, I'd feel as though I disappointed Emily, myself, and my child."

Oscar put his arm around Felix's shoulders. "I have faith in you, Felix."

"You do?"

"You've seen worse, right? Like my apartment?" this got Felix to laugh. "There you go, that got a smile outta ya."

"Thank you, Oscar. I think I needed that." Felix got up. "Now if you'll excuse me; I have some oatmeal and _Bran Flakes_ that I need to prepare."

"Aw, come on Felix, cut your wife some slack."

A puzzled looking Felix blinked at Oscar. "Sorry?"

"I'm just sayin': can't you give her something normal for breakfast?"

"I was actually referring to _my_ breakfast."

"Oh, so that nice smell coming from the kitchen is regular breakfast?"

"On Tuesdays and Thursdays I prepare a special breakfast for Emily. However, you are more than willing to help yourself."

"Cool, what are we having?"

"Scrambled eggs with smoked salmon, asparagus, and goat cheese."

"See: you had me at the scrambled eggs, but you lost me at the rest of the nasty stuff." Oscar took his phone from his pajama pocket and began texting. "I'll just have Dani pick me up my usual _McDonald's_ breakfast."

"Suit yourself. Oh darn, I usually check on Emily right about now; Oscar, can you-"

"Yeah sure, why not," Oscar headed to Felix and Emily's room.

"Thank you!"

Oscar paused before knocking on the door. " _Goat_ cheese?" He literally shrugged this off and knocked on the door.

"Come in," Emily allowed. Oscar opened the door to discover Emily in the center of the room on a yoga mat, the sounds of classical music droning on in the background. When she saw him, she gave a slight wave, "Hi Oscar."

"Em." He barely stepped forward. "Did I come at a bad time?"

"No, I'm just doing my prenatal yoga routine."

"Felix's idea?"

"Yeah, but once you make a habit of it, it's not so bad. It keeps me both healthy and in great shape." She stepped aside while doing some sort of yoga maneuver. "Wanna join?"

"I think I'll pass. Felix asked me to check on you while he made you your goat cheese breakfast."

Emily let out a small laugh. "The goat cheese tastes better than it sounds."

"Yes, but I'd prefer not to know which animal my cheese came from. I wanna eat my food, not learn its entire backstory."

"I know, I miss eating regular food." Emily sighed. "I can't wait til I have this baby; maybe then I can go back to eating food that I actually like."

"Do you want me to have Dani sneak you in some _McDonald's_?"

"Oh God, yes!" Emily's face faltered, "But you probably shouldn't."

"Why not?"

"Emily, sweetheart," Felix was standing in the open doorway, "breakfast is almost ready."

Oscar pointed to Felix while directing his attention to Emily. "It's like he knows!" Emily just nodded in agreement.

"Knows what?" Oscar left the room. Felix moved closer to Emily. "I don't know what I know."

"Never mind him," Emily tried to brush this off, "it's just Oscar being his usual self."

Felix acknowledged that before turning off the music. "Come on, I'll help you to the kitchen."

"Felix, I can go into a kitchen by myself you know."

"I know," Felix looked a little hurt. "I just-"

Emily put her arms around him. "I know you mean well, but you need to take it easy."

"Yes, you're right, but…" he put his arms around her waist, "I don't know…I'm afraid that if I take it easier I'll forget everything."

"Forget everything? _You?_ The guy who corrected both the childcare and the Lamaze instructors? Felix, you've read every book on the subject at least twice, you've watched those weird documentaries and how-to videos, you've _constantly_ asked questions, you've even practiced diapering my mother's cat! Trust me Felix: taking it easy would be a good thing. Let me try to do things on my own. Let me take care of you just as good as you've been taking care of me." They kissed until something pulled them away. Emily giggled. "The baby likes it when we kiss like that." She put Felix's hands on her belly for him to feel. "It's like it gets even more hyper."

"Hmm," Felix looked as though he was about to give a diagnosis.

"What?"

"This could be an early onset of contractions." With a playful groan, Emily pushed Felix toward the door. "I'm serious!"

"I think I know my own body, Felix. Why don't you let _me_ tell you when the contractions begin, okay?"

"I know, you're right." Felix took a deep breath. "I do need to be more relaxed."

"Yeah, and maybe get some sleep." Before Felix could protest or even ask how she knew he wasn't sleeping, Emily started to explain, "I've gotten so used to hearing that snore of yours that I kind of miss it. Don't try to tell me you're sleeping when you're really not."

"Well if you're listening for whether or not I'm snoring, then that implies that _you_ are not sleeping either."

"I'm not sleeping because I'm carrying a bowling ball inside of me and it's hard to get comfortable when I lay down. What's your excuse?"

"I worry about the woman lying uncomfortably beside me with the bowling ball inside of her." Emily couldn't help but swoon. "I love you."

"I love you too," she gave him a quick peck on the cheek, "but a long nap could do us both some good. Look," she took a particular pillow from the bed and displayed it, "I even made sure to bring your special pillow."

"Emily, you know that once I have woken up, I cannot go back to sleep. Plus I won't be able to sleep knowing Oscar's apartment is…the way that it is." Emily rolled her eyes. "I can just sense him in the kitchen right now, making another mess I'll have to clean."

...

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Oscar decided to help himself to some scrambled eggs. After pouring himself some coffee, he got some ketchup out of the refrigerator. When the plate and mug were on the kitchen table, Oscar towered the ketchup bottle over the plate and squeezed the bottle. The ketchup didn't come out right away so Oscar gave it a good (somewhat violent) shake that seemed to do the trick. While most of the ketchup did get on the eggs, some ketchup also got on the side of the plate and a dollop managed to fall onto the table. It's not like Oscar noticed, however. Once the ketchup was splattered, he began scarfing down the eggs.

"Knock, knock," Dani called out to indicate her presence.

Oscar swallowed his helping of eggs as she entered the kitchen and dropped a _McDonald's_ bag in front of him. "You got here fast."

"You texted me as I was at the drive-thru picking up _my_ breakfast. I had to turn around to order yours." Oscar resumed eating his eggs. "Yeah, you're welcome, and you owe me five bucks." Dani noticed the breakfast. "Why'd you make me get you food if Felix made some?"

"Do you know where that cheese comes from? I'd rather die eating something I like than choke on cheese from a goat." Dani made a disgusted face and backed away from the food. "Did I neglect to mention that's goat cheese?"

"I think I'm going to avoid that," she took a seat beside Oscar. "Okay, so what's on the agenda for this morning?"

"I'm just gonna sit at the desk and talk about what happened last night in sports. Same old, boring Thursday routine." Oscar reached for his coffee.

"Well I wanted to get as much as I can done before that big interview night."

In a typical clichéd fashion, Oscar did a spit take of his coffee. "That interview's tonight? Dammit, I completely forgot!"

"And that's why you pay people to remind you of these things."

"Oh, this is not good."

"What are you worried about? That Derek kid's gonna show up, answer some questions Teddy and I already prepared for you, and you don't even have to shower—though I strongly recommend you do."

"Yeah, but it's gonna be my first one-on-one interview without you or Teddy there."

"The person you're interviewing did ask for only you. Besides, I have plans for tonight; I'm going on a date with Brad."

"Yeah, yeah, that's all well and good, but if I'm supposed to be alone with the kid, how the hell am I gonna get rid of-"

"Good morning!" Felix entered as if he was on cue. "Dani," he gave Dani a quick hug, "so nice to see you."

"Hello Felix," Dani greeted. "What are you doing here?"

"Emily and I have taken up temporary residence for a few days."

"Where is Emily?"

"Emily's seemed to have taken permanent residence in my bathroom," Oscar responded.

"Which, thankfully, was the first room I managed to clean," Felix proudly added as he sat down. Soon after, he began staring uncomfortably at Oscar.

Of course Oscar took notice. "What?"

"You're not using a coaster."

"So?"

"The least you could do is set your coffee mug on a napkin." Oscar slammed his mug down on the table, some of the contents spilling out as an effect.

Felix could hardly resist the urge to clean. When he reached for an emergency wipe and readied to clean, Oscar immediately stopped him with a, "Don't." Felix quickly backed away, but started reaching again. "Don't." Felix reached one final time, but Oscar scared him off with some gibberish yelling.

Emily came into the kitchen. "Hi Dani."

"Emily!" Dani got up and gave her a hug. "Oh my goodness, it's like you've gotten bigger since the last time I saw you!"

"Um, thank you…I guess." Emily pulled out a chair.

"Oh," Dani held her hands out acting as a sort of spotter to Emily (while Felix tried to make it seem like he wasn't doing the same), "do you need me to help you-"

"No, no, I can sit down on my own," Emily sat. "It's the getting up part I sometimes have trouble with." She paused. "Though I probably should've gotten some food before I sat."

"Here," Oscar reached into the fast food bag and grabbed a McMuffin, "might as well have something decent to eat."

"Ah, ah, ah," Felix prevented the sandwich from reaching Emily's grasp. "I am taking no chances letting my wife eat this kind of food. According to my extensive research: eating foods like this that are high in fat, sugar, carbohydrates, and cholesterol during the last trimester are more likely to bring on early labor. Part of our birth plan includes our child being born on its actual due date, which need I remind you people is in eight days."

"Hmm," Dani had her brows furrowed, "Oscar, remind me which one of these two is the pregnant one."

"Oh my god," Felix it looked as though he was about to have a panic attack.

Emily shook his shoulder. "Felix?"

"I'm going to be a father in eight days." He began hyperventilating.

"Quick, get a paper bag!"

Oscar ran into action, grabbing (and nearly ripping) a brown paper bag from his cabinet. "Is he okay? What's going on?"

Emily helped calm Felix down and get his breathing under control. "Felix, relax."

Felix momentarily pulled the bag away from his face. "How can you be so calm?"

"Ssh, just breathe," Emily demonstrated how to breathe and Felix did it as she had done. "There we go; disaster averted."

"What just happened?" Oscar questioned.

Dani looked concerned. "I think Felix nearly had a panic attack."

" _Nearly_ had?"

"It could've gotten much worse, believe me," Emily tried to assure Oscar. "Felix has been told to take it easy. The doctor's afraid he'll pass out if he has another major panic attack. The last thing we need for him is to be unconscious." Felix lowered the bag and continued exhaling. "Feel better?"

Felix took another deep breath. "Better."

"Apparently this happened _recently_?" Oscar was still in a small state of shock. "Okay Felix-and I'm saying this for your own good-you need to get out."

"Pardon?"

"You clearly need a day off and I'm kicking you out for the rest of the day."

"Bu-bu-I don't-"

"Get out of here! Go to a museum, go see a show, go help clean your apartment, hell go clean the Statue of Liberty, just get out of this apartment."

"Where will we go?"

" _We_?"

"You certainly don't expect me to go anywhere without Emily, do you?"

"Yes!" surprisingly, this wasn't Oscar.

Felix immediately turned to his wife. "Wha-why do...I don't-"

"Oscar's right. Honey, we both need a break from you for a while-and please know that I mean that sincerely."

"I do, but-"

"You can go out and have some fun, and I can stay here and sleep all day. Heck, I'll probably sleep better knowing you're out having a good time somewhere and not worrying yourself by constantly watching me. Felix, please; do this for me."

Felix looked around the room. "I...I just don't know. I don't feel comfortable leaving you here all alone."

"I won't be alone; Oscar will be here with me."

Oscar's eyes widened. "Oscar will what?"

"Emily, sweetie," Dani began, "maybe you should also go out. You and Felix can have one last hurrah before the baby comes and Oscar can have his big, important interview tonight without anybody here."

"No," Felix sighed, "no, I think Emily deserves a few hours away from me. I mean, she's done so much for me, and I can never truly repay her; this is the least I can do for her." Dani swooned as Felix and Emily kissed. "Plus, I do feel better knowing that Oscar will be here and will not leave her alone."

Oscar's eyes were still wide, but it wasn't as though anyone was paying attention to him. "Again, Oscar's gonna do what now?"

Felix held Emily's hands in his. "Just promise me that you'll stay here."

"I promise," Emily promised.

"And you'll do your yoga?" Emily responded with a sound of annoyance. "Promise?"

"Alright, I promise."

"And if you get hungry, you'll eat the leftovers I've prepared for you."

"Felix!"

"I know, I know, I'm sorry."

"Hold up," Oscar finally got everyone's attention, "when you say 'Oscar's gonna be alone with Emily', what exactly did you mean by that?"

"Oh Oscar," Dani chided, "are you still afraid to be by yourself around pregnant women?"

"Dani, do you think you could-"

"Did you not hear the part where I said I had a date tonight?"

"You should have known that I didn't!"

Even Emily couldn't help but give a small laugh at that. "Oscar, you have nothing to worry about either. I'm just gonna stay in my bedroom and I won't bother you when you're doing your interview. I'll only come out of my room to get food or to pee. Trust me, nothing is going to happen."

...

Whether or not Oscar believed her, Emily was right. Nothing was happening. Not with her anyway. She mostly slept while Oscar was the one who had to deal with Felix's incessant phone calls and messages.

He was banging his phone against the kitchen table in irritation when Emily came in. "Did Felix call again?"

Oscar passed her his phone. "For the love of God, please call your husband."

Emily playfully rolled her eyes at Oscar as she called Felix. "Hi Felix," she greeted. "No Felix, everything's fine, I was just sleeping...Well I couldn't have very well done it while I was sleeping...okay, I'll be sure to add on an additional half hour...Actually, I was just about to eat...Yes Felix, I was going to get some of that leftover kale." Oscar couldn't help but express disgust at that. "Okay...okay... _okay_ Felix...I love you too," Emily hung up as Oscar heard Felix still talking on the other end.

"Add on a additional half hour of what and please tell me I don't have to get involved."

"Remember when I told you the prenatal yoga was routine?" Oscar nodded. "I do it three times a day, every six hours."

"I take it you missed the second time a day today?"

"If I miss the usual time, Felix adds on another half hour."

"Sounds like a new method of torture." Emily couldn't help but chuckle. "You know: I thought you hooked up with Felix out of pity but now I realize you're on some sort of mission from God." Emily playfully swatted him. "Sorry, I watched _Blues Brothers_ last night when I ate dinner in my room."

"You didn't eat dinner; not with me and Felix anyway."

"I wanted something not prepared by Felix, so I snuck out for some Chinese food around one in the morning; I guess it technically was an after midnight snack."

"You know, I could go for an after midnight snack right about now."

"Yeah, I might as well get something before that Derek kid shows up. Tell you what: I'll let you pick dinner."

"Really?"

"Sure! Whatever place that delivers!"

"Oh, I was hoping we could go out."

"Whatever place that delivers! Order whatever you want."

"Whatever _I_ want?"

"Whatever you want?"

"Okay, but what about the leftover kale?"

Oscar went to the fridge, removed the container with the kale, and threw it (container included) in the garbage. "What leftover kale?"

...

"Okay," about a half hour after dinner, Oscar was getting ready for his interview. "Now to clean off my desk." He looked at his mess of garbage on the coffee table. "Hmm," without putting much thought into it, Oscar pushed everything from the table onto the floor. Then, he tried to make the pile of trash look neater. "And we're done." A knock on the door. "Just in time," Oscar answered the door. The person on the other end was a college aged boy in a varsity jacket. "Are you Derek?"

"Are you alone?" the younger man anxiously questioned back.

"I asked you first."

"I'm not coming in unless you're alone."

"And I won't let you in unless you're Derek O'Connor."

"Yeah, I'm Derek O'Connor."

"Oh, so you did give my agent your real name?"

"Can you promise my name will get bleeped out?"

"I can promise I won't mention your name, but I can't necessarily give a bleep. Come on in Derek," Oscar stepped aside to allow Derek in. "Have a seat on the couch."

"Okay, thanks."

"If you're uncomfortable about some of the details you don't have to name names but make sure-" Oscar's phone started going off, "-excuse me," Oscar put the phone to his ear. "What now Felix?"

Sure enough, Felix was on the other end of the line. _"My, it sounds like someone's cranky."_

"What do you want Felix?"

_"I couldn't get a hold of Emily. I was merely calling to check in."_

"And as we've told you the last fifty times you called: Emily is fine, she must've fallen back asleep after dinner."

_"That reminds me: when Emily finishes the kale-we all know you won't eat it-could you soak the container in hot water for at least an hour before putting it in the dishwasher?"_

"Why don't you do that when you get back?"

_"That is the other reason I am calling: when I last spoke to Emily, she suggested that I go to the movies. I will not be allowed to use my phone during the film and in the event that I actually become invested in the movie and can't step away to call, I want you to inform my wife that I am at the cinema. Once the movie has ended, I will be coming home. Although given the low charge on my phone, I should be coming home sooner."_

"Felix, you're gonna hear a noise that sounds like I'm hanging up, but I'm not so keep talking," as Felix continued talking, Oscar hung up. "Sorry about that, Derek," Oscar apologized before taking on the seat next to Derek. Oscar's phone rang again. "Seriously?" He answered his phone.

 _"Oscar,"_ Felix again _, "that noise was you hanging up on me."_

"Right, and you're gonna hear it again," Oscar hung up in frustration. "You'll have to forgive this irritating-" another ring. Oscar growled, angrily answered the phone with a, "STOP CALLING ME!" turned his phone off, and threw it against the wall. "Okay," he calmed down, "that should-"

"Hey, Oscar," Emily called for him.

Derek immediately rose to his feet. "I thought you said you were alone!"

"You don't have to worry about her," Oscar assured. "It's my friend's wife, I probably woke her up," he went to Emily's room. "Em?" he knocked twice.

"Oscar?" Emily called back. "Oscar, I-"

Oscar opened the door and entered her room. "Listen, I'm sorry if I woke you, but Felix was getting on my last nerve."

"You didn't wake me," Emily was standing in the center of the room. "Oscar, I really-"

"Would you please call him and tell him everything's fine?"

"That's just it, I can't get a hold of him. I just tried calling him like six times and he was probably talking to you."

"Yeah, or he more than likely turned his phone off. He's at the movies and one of the rules there is turn off the cell phone during the movie. You know how Felix is a stickler for following the rules.

"Do you know if he got my texts?"

"Geez Em, you sound kinda freaked. Everything okay?"

"Do you know if he got my texts or not?"

"I don't think so. He just called me to check on you. I think he also mentioned his phone charge was low."

"Oh, God," Emily began pacing. "Oh, this isn't good."

Oscar headed toward her. "Em, are you sure you're alright. You seem a little..." something distracted him and he looked down, "...why is the floor wet?" Emily stopped pacing and the look she gave him was enough to answer Oscar's question. "Oh no!" She bit her lip. "No!" She nodded her head. " _Now_?" A squeak emitted from Emily signifying 'yes'. "Oh my God!"

"My thoughts exactly!"

"You can't be in labor, Felix isn't here! Felix is supposed to be here!"

"What, you think I planned on this happening now? Oh my God," Emily clutched her stomach while Oscar silently panicked, "this is definitely a contraction." When she cried out in pain, Oscar did the same. This went on for a few times. "Ah!"

"Ah! Make it stop!"

"I wish I could!" Emily tried to breathe through her pain.

"Can't you hold the kid in for eight more days?"

"Oscar, you have to take me to the hospital."

"Okay, I'll call an ambulance."

"No, I have to have someone in the room with me."

"I'll have the paramedic wait with you."

"Oscar!"

"Emily!"

Derek knocked on the open door. "I heard all the screaming. If this is a bad time, I can come back later."

"Hey kid," Oscar bolted over to Derek. "Want to make fifty bucks?"

"Huh?"

"I'll give you fifty bucks to take this lady to the hospital and wait in the delivery room with her til her husband gets there."

"No way!" the track and field kid took off running.

"Huh, I can see why he made the team."

"Hello!" Emily's contraction had ended and she brought the focus back on her, "We kind of have a situation here."

"What's this _we_ stuff? _You're_ the one having a baby."

"And _you're_ the one who has to take me to the hospital."

"How 'bout I call your mom? Felix said she wanted to be in the room with you!"

"My mom's in Florida til Monday."

"Your sister?"

"Casey went with her."

"Uh...Dani!"

"Dani's on a date, remember?"

"Apparently I don't!" Oscar snapped his finger in realization. "I'll call Teddy! He's been through this before!" Oscar ran to the living room to procure his phone. Once he picked it up, he tried in vain to turn the device on. "Come on!" But the phone just wouldn't turn on. "No! No! No!" Emily made her way into the living room closet closest to the door. "Hey, hey, what are you doing?"

"I'm getting my overnight bag and I'm going to the hospital."

"Hey I've got an idea: why don't you have a home birth?"

"Excuse you?"

"I'll go fill up my bathtub and you can have a water birth while I awkwardly wait in the living room trying to drown out the screaming!"

"You really don't know how labor works do you?"

"I don't intend to find out either!"

Emily sighed as she took the readied bag. "If you don't want to go, fine, you can stay here. I'll call a cab and hope the taxi driver doesn't keep the meter running while he waits with me."

Oscar let out a lengthy, exasperated groan, "Fine, I'll go with you."

"You will?"

"I promised Felix I wouldn't leave you alone." Oscar took the pad of paper and pen he was planning on using for his interview. "I guess I'll have to leave him a note; he said he'd be home after the movie."

"Stick it someplace where he'll see it."

"Uh..." a frenzied Oscar raced into the kitchen, took the container of kale out of the garbage, quickly scribbled a note, and placed the note on top of the container. Next, he carried the container with the note to the living room.

"What are you doing?"

Oscar set the items on the bare coffee table. "He's bound to see it here, isn't he?"

"In a weird sort of way I guess you're right."

"Okay," he pointed to the stuff resting on the coffee table, "Stay," he said that as though he was commanding a dog.

"I uh...I don't think it's going anywhere."

"I'm obviously not thinking clearly right now."

"It's probably best that I call a cab."

"Call it a what?"

Emily shot him a strange look. "And I'm the one who needs a doctor?"


	3. Part III

The cab hadn't even come to a complete stop when Oscar bolted out in a frantic rush, accidentally knocking over a guy leaving the hospital on crutches. "It's happening!" he yelled before he officially reached the front desk. The lady at the front desk was on the phone when Oscar repeatedly smacked his hand on the desk to get her attention. "Hey! Hey, yeah it's happening!"

"I'll have to call you back Doctor," she hung up the phone. "May I help you?"

"It's happening! With the labor, and the contracting, and the Felix not here, and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing!"

"I can see that. This is the check-in for the emergency department; the maternity ward is on the second floor."

"Doesn't giving birth qualify as an emergency?"

"If you don't calm down,  _you're_ gonna end up in emergency."

"You don't understand, I am here with a woman in labor!" The woman quirked her eyebrow as if to ask him if he was serious. Oscar quickly looked around realizing that Emily was not in fact with him. "Oh my God, I lost a woman in labor! Felix is going to kill me and then clean up any evidence!"

"Is that her?" the woman at the front desk pointed to Emily entering the hospital.

"You found her!" Oscar ran over to Emily. "Hey, Em, how you doing? It's not coming out or anything is it?"

Emily put her hands on Oscar's shoulders. "Oscar, relax; do that breathing just like I taught you in the cab," Emily used her Lamaze breathing techniques on Oscar and it seemed to calm him down. "Now that we're here, we have to go to the second floor. Come on, the elevators are this way."

"We're going in an elevator? You and me?"

"If you're uncomfortable being in an elevator with me, then you can take the stairs. They're also this way," Emily began to lead the way.

"Shouldn't you be in a wheelchair screaming for drugs or...something more _not_ calm?"

"Don't believe everything you see on TV shows, Oscar." At the elevators, Emily pushed the 'up' button. "If you get up there before I do, wait for me at the nurse's station."

"Yeah, okay, I can do that."

"I'll see you on the second floor," Emily was saying this as a way to prompt Oscar to head upstairs, but Oscar didn't take notice. "Oscar!"

"Huh?" Emily pointed to the stairs. "Oh, right," Oscar raced up the stairs to the third floor, then back down the stairs to the second, and finally over to the nurse's station. "Yeah, hi, baby about to be born!"

"Uh-huh," the nurse gave him a funny look. "Are you the one having the baby?"

"Do all you nurses think you're funny or something?" The elevator came to a stop and Emily got off of it. "Yeah, see, _lady_ having a baby!"

Emily made it to the front desk. "Hi, Emily Unger, I called ahead. I'm a patient of Dr. Rogers."

"I'm sorry," the nurse began, "but Dr. Rogers is out of town for a medical conference and she won't be back until Sunday."

"What?" Oscar was the one who was freaking out. "So there's no doctor?"

"Her associate Dr. James is filling in. Unless you would like another doctor, we can call and notify Dr. James."

"Some random person's gonna be delivering the baby? What kind of hospital allows-"

"Oscar, shush!" Emily shushed him. "You'll have to excuse Oscar, he's not really comfortable around pregnant women."

The nurse gave Oscar a glance over before addressing Emily. "Pardon me for asking: but wasn't there another, _cleaner_ man you came in with before?"

"That was my husband, Felix. Oscar's here with me because we're not really sure where Felix is right now."

...

Felix, having been kicked out of the movie theater, had just returned to Oscar's apartment. "Oscar! Emily!" He got no response. "Hmm," he set his essentially dead cell phone on nearby table. "I wonder if I'm in the right apartment." Looking around the apartment, Felix noticed a pile of trash on the floor near a desk. "I am in the right apartment." He called their names again. "Yet they are not answering," he tried to stay calm to avoid a panic attack. "I am calm," he told himself. "What would a calm person do in this situation?" He spun around in his spot. "Look for a note." Felix noticed the coffee table. "Which appears to be on a container of uneaten kale." He picked up the note. "Now what do I do?" Another pause. "I suppose I should read the note," he did that. "Hmm...it appears as though I'm going to be a father." He made some sort of muffled sound. "Now what do I do?" Another pause. "I suppose I ought to get what I need and meet Emily and Oscar at the hospital." Felix realized he still had the note in his hand. "I suppose I don't need this anymore," he carefully set the note back in its original place. "I am calm," Felix repeated as he went to the closet where Emily kept the overnight bag and mindlessly grabbed the first thing he saw-which happened to be a tennis racket. "Now I shall calmly go to the hospital." He exited the apartment with the tennis racket.

...

"So..." Oscar was trying to make small talk while Emily sat upright in her hospital bed, "...you're having a baby?"

"Yep," Emily also didn't know what to say.

"And it's Felix's."

"I think we've established that by this point."

"So...I don't have to do anything, do I?"

"You just have to stay here with me until Felix gets here."

"What if Felix doesn't get here?"

"He'll be here."

"What if something terrible happens to him before he gets here?"

"I'd really rather not think about that. I'd rather focus on the baby."

"That's probably a good idea."

"Should I turn on the TV or something?"

"Oh God, yes." There was a knock on the door, "or not."

"Come in."

An attractive, young-looking man in a doctor's uniform entered. "Hello, I'm Dr. James," he went over to her bedside. "You must be Mrs. Unger."

It was pretty evident Emily took notice of his appearance. "Uh-huh."

"Yeah, hi, 'scuse me," Oscar raised his hand to draw attention. "What grade are you in?"

Dr. James chuckled. "Relax Mr. Unger, I am perfectly qualified to-"

"Whoa! Whoa! I'm not her husband!"

"Oh." Dr. James cleared his throat, "Listen, I'd rather not get involved in a patient's private life so-"

"Oh, don't mind Oscar," Emily was still staring at the doctor. "He's just a friend who's waiting with me until my husband gets here."

Oscar nodded. "Yeah, and I'm also a celebrity."

"You can ignore him. Now, you were saying."

"I was just introducing myself before I check on you," Dr. James explained. "I was also wondering if you had any questions for me."

Oscar raised his hand again, "Yeah, Doogie, you have delivered babies before, right?"

"Yes I have, over two hundred. And my name isn't Doogie, it's Ryan-which by the way you can feel free to call me."

"Well _Ryan_ , clearly you're too young to get the _Doogie Howser_ reference."

"Hey Oscar," Emily started, "why don't you go get yourself something from the vending machine while Dr. James checks me out," Emily's face blanched. "I uh...I didn't mean it like the way it sounds. I meant Ryan's going to give my body a good look over...that didn't make things sound any better."

"Why don't you just say it as is?" Dr. James suggested. "I'm going to perform a vaginal exam."

"That didn't really didn't help either."

Oscar was visibly uncomfortable. "Yee-ah. Em, I think I'll step out while you let this guy get all up in your business."

"Oh yeah, that's a better way of saying it."

"I'll..." Oscar awkwardly backed out, "...leave you to your work." Once out of the room, he practically sprinted to the nurse's station. "Yeah, phone, need it."

The nurse gave him a familiar, annoyed eyebrow raise. "Would you like to use the phone?"

"I thought I made that kinda clear."

She rolled her eyes at him. "We have one you can use in the waiting room."

"Thanks," Oscar headed for the waiting room where a phone was stationed on a wall in a corner of the room. Hurrying over to it, he dialed Felix's number, but got no response. "Gah!" he slammed the phone back in its place. "Felix, where the hell are you?"

...

Felix, meanwhile, was fidgeting uncomfortably in the backseat of a taxi during traffic. "Excuse me," he tapped the driver on the shoulder with the tennis racket, "I'm calmly asking if you can get me to the hospital any faster."

"Look pal," the cabbie gestured to the traffic, "there ain't nothin' I can do 'bout the traffic, here." The traffic began to (slowly) move. "Ah, look, see, now we're gettin' somewhere."

"Yes, but not fast enough."

"Chill out, bud, it's not like this is my fault. Traffic around this time usually-" an interruption was inevitable as the taxi came to a sudden stop when a greasy-haired guy in a leisure suit abruptly walked in front of the cab. The taxi driver slammed his hand on the horn, stuck his head out the window, and yelled, "Hey, I'm drivin' here!"

...

Oscar knocked on Emily's door. "Is he done?"

"You can come in, Oscar," she allowed.

Oscar entered the room. "I didn't want to come back and get all up close and personal, if you know what I mean."

"He didn't take as long as you did. I thought you were just stepping out."

"Yeah, I figured I'd try to get a hold of Felix."

"Did you?" Oscar shook his head no. "Oh," Emily tried to keep optimistic, "it's okay, he's probably stuck in traffic or something; but he will be here in time."

"Doesn't the first baby usually take it's time to be born anyway?"

"Sometimes."

"I once had a friend who's live-in girlfriend was in labor for about 47 hours."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"Moving on," Oscar sat down in the chair near the bed. "You seem pretty cool letting some teenager deliver your baby."

"He's not a teenager."

"No adult man is named Ryan."

"What about Ryan Reynolds?"

"Okay, no adult _docto_ r is named Ryan. I mean, does he even qualify as an adult? He didn't even get the _Doogie Howser_ reference!"

"Oscar, he knows what he's doing. I trust him."

"Yeah, but it'd be hard to take him seriously with a name like _Ryan James_. It's like I'm expecting a third name to follow."

"I kind of like the name Ryan. Heck, I even thought about naming the baby James."

"But there's the whole nickname issue with Felix."

Emily acknowledged that with a nod before continuing. "We have actually settled on a name for a boy: Liam Oliver."

"Liam Oliver Unger?" Oscar thought about that. "That's not bad; but you do realize his initials will spell out LOU?"

"Yeah, we thought that was kind of cute. Liam's a name we both liked, and it can't be shortened, and we thought Oliver would make a better middle name."

"Fair enough; but what if it's a girl?"

"Let's just hope it's a boy."

"Oh come on! There isn't a part of you that really wants a girl?"

"Of course I do! Don't get me wrong, I'd be happy either way, but I have always pictured myself with a daughter." A smile flashed across Emily's face as she briefly fantasized, "I dunno, I've always seen myself with a little girl who looks like me and wears polka dot dresses and puts her hair up in pigtails and braids like my sister and I used to do."

"Did you have a name picked out for this fantasy daughter of yours?"

"Yeah, but it's stupid."

"What is it?"

"I don't wanna say."

"Come on, you can tell me."

"Okay…it's Violet."

"Violet?"

"Go ahead and laugh. Insult me about naming a child after both a flower and a color."

"I don't think that's a stupid name."

"You don't?"

"It's kinda pretty, but at the same time it's kinda unique. I don't know a lot of girls named Violet...except for that one who turned into a blueberry in _Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory_."

"That was another one of the insults."

"People teased you for liking that name?"

"Yeah, they said it was a stupid name."

"Does Felix think it's stupid?" Emily didn't answer. "You never told him about the name, did you?"

"I just know he'd reject it."

"Would he?" There was a brief pause when Emily looked at Oscar. "You'll never know unless you ask him."

"Maybe it'll be a boy and I won't have to."

"Okay," Oscar leaned back in the chair and looked around. "Hey, what's this machine for?"

"That? It monitors contractions. That's the machine that indicates when I'm about to have one."

"So it tells of a future of pain, so to speak?"

"Not really."

"If you have this machine then why do you have to time the contractions?"

"You do that before you're hooked up to the machine."

"Huh, okay, I guess I can accept that. Hey, how long ago was your last contraction?"

"I dunno ten, fifteen minutes ago, somewhere in that range."

"How come you're not doing what women on TV usually do and cry in pain begging for drugs?"

"Because television shows aren't exactly a great source for an accurate birth example. The only thing they seem to get right is that once the water breaks, the baby's going to be born."

"And that water breaking thing already happened with you?"

"Yeah, on the carpet in the bedroom."

"So this isn't a false alarm or anything?"

"My cervix is dilated to three centimeters."

Oscar cringed in disgust. "I really don't need to know that part."

"How else am I supposed to say it? You wouldn't know what three centimeters dilated means without an explanation."

"Yeah, but try not to be gross and use lady body parts when describing."

"Why do you get like this around pregnant women?"

"It mainly stems from a traumatic sex ed viewing experience in middle school that I'd rather not relive but am probably OH MY GOD LADY STOP PUSHING!"

"Oscar, relax! If you're gonna have a freak out, I'd rather you be conscious."

Oscar calmed himself. "No, I'm okay now."

"Well, there's a paper bag in my overnight bag in case of panic attacks."

"You and Felix are prepared for everything, aren't you?" Oscar noticed the monitor. "Check it out, this machine's doing something."

"Contraction!"

"Apostrophe!"

"No, I'm having a contraction."

"That makes sense. See, I thought you just shouted out a random grammatical-" it dawned on Oscar what she actually meant. "Oh! You're having a-"

"Yeah," Emily answered mid-panting.

"Do I need to get Doogie Ryan back in here?" she shook her head no. "I guess this is the part where you're in pain and you want drugs? Should I do something? Should I get somebody? Should I-"

"Can you not talk right now?" Emily snapped at him. A frightened Oscar backed away. The contraction went on for nearly another minute. "Wow," Emily blew out one more breath, "wow, that was a big one." She noticed Oscar standing away from her. "Everything okay over there?" Oscar pointed to himself. "Yeah, you."

"Is it okay to talk now?"

"Yes you can talk now. I'd rather you not talk during a contraction because that's when you're most irritating."

"You know, I don't think I've ever been called irritating before. I guess there's a first time for everything huh. Though to be fair, I'm sure Felix would also be equally, if not _more_ , irritating if he was in here with you."

"Yeah, but I really wish he was here."

...

An obviously agitated Felix was trying not to lose it at yet _another_ setback. He continuously tapped the driver's shoulder until he was acknowledged. "I'm calmly asking: why is there a parade going on outside?"

"Cinco de Mayo," the cabbie answered back. Felix sat in the back trying not to hyperventilate. "Hey buddy, you okay back there?"

"Fine," Felix lied. "I'm fine and I'm calm."

...

Oscar had his hands over his eyes and his backed turned as Dr. James finished up an examination. "It's rather peculiar," the young doctor started to say as he began taking off his gloves.

"What is?" Emily tried not to let the worry show in her voice.

"Emily, I think you've been in labor since this morning."

"Are you sure? Because my water broke a little over an hour ago."

"Yes, but you told me about your husband mentioning an early onset of contractions."

"And he was right?"

"Women do start contracting before they go into labor, that's normal, though they're usually Braxton-Hicks contractions. Those were what you were more than likely experiencing this morning."

"So then why did I go into labor?"

"My best guess is you went into labor due to a reaction from something you ate."

"Something I ate? Felix has been making sure I've been only eating healthy stuff." It dawned on Emily. "Except for tonight when he was gone," she turned to Oscar.

Oscar held his hands up in defense. "Don't look at me: I told _you_ to pick dinner."

"Moving on," Dr. James interrupted. "Emily, I'm worried that you're not really making the type of progress you should be making."

Emily looked concern. "Am I going to have to have a C-section?"

"Not necessarily. What I'd like to do is give you some Pitocin to increase the contractions. It won't affect the baby or cause any harm to you, it'll just speed things up. I think this would also be more helpful for you because if the baby takes too long, aside from you getting exhausted, we may have to perform a C-section and as you know that's major surgery. I feel the Pitocin will benefit you in the long run."

"How fast will things get?"

"I can't say for sure."

"I...I don't know. I mean, I'd like this to be over with, but I don't want Felix to miss this," Emily looked at Oscar. "I can't believe Felix _still_ isn't here yet."

...

Felix stuck his head out of the taxi window to yell at the parade. "Let's go! ¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! Vamos! ¡Estoy tranquilo!"

...

"Phew," Emily had just finished another contraction, "that Pitocin stuff worked fast. Those last contractions were nearly five minutes apart."

Oscar was sitting in the chair clutching his stomach, "Yeah, mine too."

"Oscar, are you okay?"

"Yeah, this happened before; if I stay nervous for too long I'll get sick to my stomach and throw up."

"That's...charming."

"It's not as gross as that middle school health video I'm trying to repress. God, I hope that doctor doesn't make me look."

"He won't." Emily attempted to assure him. "Honestly, I think it's sweet that you're having sympathy pains."

"Those are a real thing?"

"Yeah."

"But...but on TV shows whenever a guy has sympathy pains it means he's about to pass a kidney stone or he needs his appendix out or some other medical trauma."

"Didn't you just get done saying you'd rather have those things happen to you?"

"Only because I felt sorry for you. I don't like it when bad things actually happen to me."

"Poor baby."

"Ugh I never want to go through this again; remind me never to get a girl pregnant; I think I'd be doing the world a favor."

"Oscar, you don't want to have kids?"

"No; I never pictured myself with 'em. I was always busy focusing on what I was gonna do when I grew up. Once I was playing house-actual house, that's not a euphemism-and the girl I was playing with made me the dad so long as I could pick my own job-which was an astronaut football player by the way. When we played I would always pretend to be at work so much that she divorced me and left me with the kid."

"How old were you?"

"Six or seven, and the kid was her creepy talking doll. The second that girl handed me her doll, it said 'Mama' and scared the crap out of me. So I dropped it like a hot potato and ran back home screaming for my own mother."

"Did you ever see that girl again?"

"Nah; when I dropped her doll it broke and she never spoke to me again. She ended up playing house with some other boy and last I heard they actually did stay together and now they're actually playing _real_ house. I guess I did that girl a favor."

"Well, never say never. Someday you might find yourself playing _real_ house." Emily cried out in pain as another contraction coursed through her body.

"Hopefully not anytime soon." Emily screamed again. "Ahhh, Felix, where are you?"

...

The cab hadn't even come to a complete stop when Felix bolted out in a frantic rush, "Keep the change," he called to the driver before sprinting toward the entrance, accidentally knocking over a guy leaving the hospital on crutches (again).

Felix briskly strode to the front desk where the same nurse from earlier was on duty. "Hi Felix," she recognized him. "What brings you back to the emergency room? Another potential disease crisis like that SNERD fiasco or is this yet another panic attack?"

"No, you'll notice I am calm."

The nurse eyed him over. "Uh-huh. Are you looking for someone in particular?"

"Yes, my wife Emily; she's going to have a baby."

"Congratulations! Wait here, I'll find out what room she's in."

"Thank you," he couldn't keep still as he stood at the desk. "Yes, I'm going to be a father eight days early." Felix let out a fake chuckle. "While I would prefer that my child be born on the date its actually supposed to be born on, I should take pride knowing that he or she arrives before schedule; that's sure to be a sign of punctuality." He feverishly swung the tennis racket back and forth. "You'll notice I'm not rushing you."

"There's a first time for everything."

"I am not rushing you because I'm calm."

"Sure, Felix, and your wife is on the second floor, room 219. "

"Thank you, Carmen," Felix fast-walked toward the stairs. "I will not take my chances with the elevator," he said to no one as he headed up the stairs swinging the tennis racket and repeating the phrase, "I'm calm."

...

Oscar was sitting in the chair with his eyes covered as Dr. James did his thing. "So how's she doin' Dr. Howser?"

"My name is Dr. James,"

Oscar had to face it, the guy wasn't going to get the reference. "No point; he's too young to get it."

"Well Emily," Dr. James began, "the Pitocin really did the trick; it had quite the reaction on you. I'd say you'd deliver within the next hour."

"Yay," Emily's tone was both pained and sarcastic.

"What?" Oscar's tone, however, was more shock and disbelief. He uncovered his eyes and stood up. "Aren't first babies supposed to take their time getting here?"

"That does seem the norm, but that's not always the case," Dr. James explained. "Some women like Emily can progress fast in labor. So in her case, she can deliver the baby within the next hour."

"Without Felix?" (Oscar)

"Without an epidural?" (Emily)

Dr. James pointed to Emily, "Yes," and then he pointed at Oscar, "and I don't know, but someone needs to stay in the room with her."

"Oh god!" (Oscar & Emily).

"I'll be right back," the doctor left.

Oscar clutched his stomach. "Oh, this is not good."

"Please don't throw up," Emily begged.

"I can NOT be stuck here with you! No offense."

"Some taken."

"I take it back! I don't want the kidney stones or appendicitis! I just want Felix!"

As if on cue, the door to the room burst open and Felix literally came tumbling in. "FELIX!" While Emily verbally expressed her excitement, Oscar couldn't form words seeing how his jaw had nearly hit the floor. So all he could do was back into the chair and sit down.

"I'm here!" Felix quickly got up and ran over to Emily's side. "And I'm calm."

"Felix, where the hell were you?" Oscar's tone had a hint of accusation in it. "And why do you have my tennis racket?"

"It's a long story-one that involves me interrupting a festive Cinco de Mayo parade-and I will be happy to tell you all about it later."

"I don't care," Emily gestured for him to hold her (which he did for a moment), "you're here now and that's all that matters."

"I am, and I'm sorry. I'll never do anything like this again."

"You better not," Oscar admonished.

"Okay," Felix took a deep breath. "Have you seen Dr. Rogers lately?" Emily didn't say anything. "Emily?" While looking at Oscar, she tilted her head toward Felix as if to say ' _you tell him_ '.

"Well, uh, Felix," Oscar struggled to find the right wording, "the answer to that question is no."

Felix bit his lip and lurched forward. "Hmm?"

"See, the regular doctor is at some medical conference out of town and her associate is delivering the baby."

Felix was desperately trying not to lose it. "I'm calmly asking you: is a total stranger going to deliver my baby?"

"He'll introduce himself and he won't be a total stranger."

" _He_? A total, _male_ stranger will be delivering my baby?"

" _He_ seems pretty competent."

"What's his name?"

"Dr. James."

"Dr. James? What is he, the hospital pet? Did he receive training from Dr. Bob?"

"Felix, calm down."

"I am calm!" there was a bit of an edge in Felix's voice. "Why shouldn't I be? My wife has gone into labor eight days ahead of schedule without me there and our doctor abandoned us leaving a total _male_ stranger to deliver our baby. There's no reason for me not to be calm."

"Felix, please, relax," Emily tried to calm him down. "It's not like Dr. Rogers abandoned us, and she did leave us in perfectly capable hands. I trust Dr. James and he knows what he's doing."

Felix nodded as if he was a bobblehead. "Alright, I'll have to take your word." Dr. James entered through the open door wheeling the tray of supplies. "Hello," Felix greeted, "are you our nurse for the evening?"

"Felix-"

"I must say, it is a rather noble profession the nurse. And so very welcoming to see a handsome young man such as yourself in the nursing field."

"Felix, that's not the nurse."

"What?"

"You must be Mr. Unger," Dr. James shook Felix's hand, "I'm Dr. James."

Felix's eyes widened as his grip tightened. "Hmm?"

"I'm the doctor who'll be delivering your child this evening."

"You?" Felix let out a nervous laugh. "Are you sure?" Dr. James pulled away rubbing his hand. "After all, you're just a child yourself."

"He didn't even get the Doogie Howser reference," Oscar added. "And I referenced that twice."

Dr. James got serious. "If we're done with the age references gentlemen, I'd like to get back to my job." Oscar and Felix kept quiet. "Thank you," Dr. James situated a stool at the base of the bed as a nurse came into the room and closed the door behind her. "Alright Emily, you are one hundred percent effaced and fully dilated so you can start pushing on the next contraction."

Felix did a double take "What so soon? But I just got here! It's not supposed to happen this soon! WHY IS IT HAPPENING THIS SOON?!"

Oscar held up his hands in defense. "Whoa, Felix, calm down."

"I'M CALM!"

"Then you and I have two very different definitions of that word." Felix was showing signs of hyperventilation. "Felix?"

"I'm" *pant, pant*, "calm."

"No, you're not."

"NO I'M NOT!" thus began a full fledged panic attack.

"Oscar, help him!" Emily ordered.

"What do I do?"

"Get the paper bag!"

"I can do that!" Oscar dug through the overnight bag until he found what he was looking for. "Felix," he gave his friend the paper bag and put his hand on his back, "breathe." Felix did that. "There see. You just got to relax." When Emily let out a loud cry of pain, Felix fell to the floor. "That might be a little too relaxed."

"Nurse," Dr. James addressed the nurse, "admit Mr. Unger for observation and put him in an empty room."

"Yes, Dr. James," the nurse hurried out of the room.

"Okay Emily, I need you to give me a good push."

Emily began pushing. When she let out a cry of pain, Oscar did the same and reached for his stomach. Holding onto his stomach, Oscar bent down to try to wake Felix up. "Felix!" shaking Felix didn't work. "Felix!" slapping him didn't work. "Felix!" It was rather pointless hitting Felix with the tennis racket as well.

The nurse came back into the room with an orderly and a wheelchair. "Could you take that man on the floor to the nearest available room?" The orderly nodded and went to pick up a limp, unconscious Felix.

"Wha-wha-what are you doing? Where are you going? He has to stay here, his wife's having a baby!"

"Good girl, Emily," the doctor called to Emily. "I can see the head."

"See, he can see the...the what now?" When Oscar turned to face the doctor, he took sight of what the doctor meant and promptly fell to the floor.

The nurse sighed before addressing the orderly. "Find a room with two beds."

...

"The official diagnosis is acute intestinal obstruction," an attending doctor was giving Oscar his diagnosis.

"Is that a bad thing?" Oscar inquired.

"Your stomach pains could have been a lot worse, believe me."

"I didn't know it was possible to get that from being nervous."

"Well in addition to the anxiety, I'm more than certain this was brought on by something you ate this afternoon."

"Ah," Oscar remembered Dr. James had mentioned Emily's labor had also more than likely been brought on by what she ate, "well I am never eating from there again." The doctor chuckled. "Hey, how's Felix?"

"He'll be fine."

"He's not in a coma or anything is he?"

"No, he'll more than likely come to within the next ten minutes or so. He suffered no damage when he hit the floor except for a bruise to the ankle thanks to that tennis racket." The doctor picked up said tennis racket that was sitting in a chair between the two beds.

"Yeah, I have no idea why he brought that either."

The doctor shrugged and threw the racket back onto the chair. "Well you're free to go after you sign your discharge papers."

"Thanks, but I'd rather wait until Felix is okay before I leave. I think he's gonna need someone here when he wakes up."

"Alright. I must commend you for being a good friend."

"Commend is a good thing right?"

"Yes, Mr. Madison," the doctor left the room.

"Okay," Oscar reached for the remote near his bed, "Now we can watch some TV." Felix made a nasally noise as he began to stir. "Or not." He threw the clicker aside (wincing a bit when it hit something it shouldn't have). "Hey, Felix," Oscar greeted. "Did you have a nice nap?" Felix rubbed his temple as he sat upright in his bed. "Kinda gave us a scare there; thank God you were already in a hospital."

"What happened?" Felix groggily inquired.

"You had a panic attack and passed out."

"Why are you here?"

"Short answer: I also passed out."

"You?"

"Remember what you said earlier about seeing a baby's head come down the birth canal? How seeing that is an unforgettable experience?"

"Yes."

"Well I'm not gonna forget that image anytime soon."

"Oh God, I can't believe I fainted."

"I can."

Felix leaned back onto his bed. "The one thing I said I wouldn't do, I did."

"Yeah, but if it helps-"

"No! Nothing is going to help. I've failed. I wasn't there for Emily when she really needed me and I missed out on the birth of my child." Oscar didn't really know what to say here. "I wouldn't blame Emily if she never wanted to see me again."

"Felix, that's not gonna happen. And if it did, you're not moving back in with me." Felix glared at Oscar. "Okay, sorry for trying to diffuse the tension with humor; but in all serious, that's not gonna happen. Emily loves you too much. Plus, you got a baby now. Someone's gotta help her take care of that little thing."

"Have you seen the baby? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I saw a part of the baby and unfortunately that's the last thing I remember before I came to in this room. I couldn't tell you the gender based on the top of the head."

"Did it at least have hair?"

"I don't want to talk to you anymore." When Oscar reached for the remote, he remembered what happened to it. "Great, now I can't watch TV."

Felix pointed to the remote. "You can get up and fetch it you know."

"But I'm comfortable."

"Oscar," Felix got off his bed and picked up Oscar's remote, "you are impossible."

"Hey man, you owe me. Thanks to you I had to cancel my important interview to take your wife to the hospital, I was stuck in the room with her while she did all the contracting and dilating while you were...wherever you were, and need I mention that the last thing I saw before I passed out! Oh, you owe me big time."

"Very well."

"Heh?" Oscar was taken aback by Felix's casual response.

"You're right."

"I am? You're not gonna argue or anything?"

"No, no. You've done so much for me and Emily today that I do owe you big time. Plus you did honor your favor by letting us stay with you. I just don't know how I'm going to repay you for this."

"Yeah, well, I'll think of something. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to watch a little-"

Just as Oscar was about to turn on the TV, the doctor came back in. "Ah Felix, you're up." In annoyed defeat, Oscar threw the remote backwards and sat perfectly still when it hit something else that it wasn't supposed to hit. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," Felix answered back, "I think this time I'm actually calm."

"Good." The doctor handed Oscar a clipboard. "Oscar, those are your discharge papers; you're free to go."

"Hallelujah!" Oscar snatched up the clipboard and began to sign the papers.

"We also have a set of papers ready for you to sign too, Felix, if you're ready to go home."

"Home?" Felix sounded unsure. "Shouldn't I stay here with my wife?"

"You can if you want. She's a few rooms away getting some rest. We'll just need you to sign the papers as a formality because you're currently admitted as a patient."

"Alright, thank you, I'll do that."

"I'll be right back," the doctor left before Oscar could hand back his clipboard.

Felix noticed where the remote had landed. "Oscar, do you want me to-"

"Don't bother," Oscar bitterly replied back. He dropped the clipboard onto his bed and leaned back. "Today has just not been my day."

"Well maybe the day's over. Has it reached midnight yet?"

Oscar looked at his watch. "No."

"Oh. Well, Feliz Cinco de Mayo."

"Right back at ya, Felix."

They sat in silence for a few moments. "Oscar?"

"Yeah Felix?"

"I know this might not make up for everything that's happened: but Emily and I were talking, and we've decided to name you as our child's godfather."

"Aw, thanks Felix, that's real nice of you."

"Well, you've earned it."

"You were still gonna make me godfather even before all this happened?" Felix bobbed his head in reply. "Thanks."

The doctor came back in with another clipboard. "These are for you Felix, and I'll take yours Oscar." Oscar handed the doctor his clipboard. "And we have one more thing."

"So I'm still stuck here?"

"You can leave if you want; this is something for Felix."

Felix passed back his clipboard. "Should I be concerned?"

"No," and with that the doctor left.

"Oscar, do you have any idea what's going on?"

"Not a clue," Oscar replied.

The same nurse from Emily's room tapped her fingers on the open door to get their attention. When the two men turned toward the door, the nurse smiled and reached for something outside of the door. That something was a hospital bassinet. Upon closer inspection, there was something, or more appropriately _someone_ inside the bassinet. She rolled it closer to the two men.

Felix pointed to the tiny person in the bassinet. "Is that..." he struggled to form words, "...that's my..."

The nurse scooped up the baby. "Your wife wanted to surprise you when you woke up. Mr. Unger, meet your daughter."

"D-d-daughter?" The nurse nodded and gingerly passed the newborn to her father. Though Felix was terrified he wouldn't know how to properly hold the baby, when his daughter was deposited in his arms, an instinct took over and he held her as if he had done it before. He proudly looked down at his new baby. "This is my daughter."

"I'll give you guys some privacy," the nurse left.

It wasn't as though Felix noticed, his attention was still focused on the babe in his arms. "Wow," this wasn't necessarily directed to anybody, "this is my daughter."

"I think we've established that," Oscar noted before getting serious. "She's really beautiful Felix."

"That's because she looks just like her mother, thank God," Oscar let out a small laugh at that (hey, Felix said it, not him). "Hello," Felix began cooing to the baby. At this point, the baby was starting to open her eyes. "Hey! Hey, she's looking at me!"

"And you're looking at her?" Oscar wasn't all too impressed with that. "I mean, opening their eyes is all babies can do at this point, right?"

"Oscar, I think she knows who I am."

Oscar shrugged. "If you say so, Felix."

Felix seemed to ignore him as he spoke to his daughter. "Hi, I'm your daddy. I love you very, very much. Yes I do, and...oh, sweetheart, you're drooling," Felix reached for an emergency wipe and gently wiped his daughter's face.

"Oh, I guess they can drool too. Sign that kid up for Harvard!"

Still cradling the newborn, Felix sat down on the bed. "Oscar, you have no idea how proud of Emily I am right now." Oscar sat next to Felix. "I don't think I'll ever be able to repay her for giving birth to this beautiful," Felix took out another wipe, "drooling angel in my arms."

"I think I know one way."

"You do?"

"Emily and I got to talkin' and she told me about this fantasy she had of her and her little girl who looked just like her."

"Oh? I don't recall Emily ever mentioning this to me."

"That's because her fantasy included the name of her daughter. Emily didn't tell you because she was convinced you'd reject the name."

"What was the name?"

"Violet."

"Violet?"

"Yeah like the color, and the flower, and the girl from _Willy Wonka_ who turned into a giant blueberry."

"Violet?" Felix repeated. "I actually do kind of like that name." He thought more about it. "Violet?" This got some sort of response from the baby.

"I think she likes it too." Oscar couldn't help but smile. "I know I said it before, but she really is beautiful, Felix."

"Thank you, Oscar."

"It's hard to believe she shares some of your genetics." Even Felix let out a small laugh at that. "Hey, you said it first, I'm just agreeing with you."

"You want to hold her?"

"What?" Before Oscar could give a yes or no answer, Felix had begun to position Violet in her godfather's arms. "Felix!"

"You'll be fine; just remember to support her head."

"Holy shi-cra-moly," Oscar was careful to watch his language, "this feels weird."

"Good weird?"

Oscar paused. "Yeah."

"It's a shame I don't have my camera to capture the moment."

"Me neither."

"I suppose I'm going to have to make a mental picture of this."

"Oh yeah, you get all the not-gross stuff." Oscar paused. "Speaking of gross stuff."

"What?"

"I think your kid just peed on me." He gave the baby back to an amused Felix. "Yeah, why don't you take one of your emergency wipes and use it on that smirk." Oscar patted the top of Violet's head. "I'll give you a free pass for what you just did because it's your birthday." Oscar grabbed the tennis racket and was about to leave. "I'll see you later Felix," he waved the racket at Felix as a sign of goodbye.

"Oscar," Oscar turned around to face his friend. Even though their point was getting through to one another without words, Felix still felt the need to say, "I know I said this before, but thank you...for everything."

"Congratulations Felix," the friends shared one final look before parting.


End file.
